Ash's very own Dr Mark Hamilton solves your problems...
Dear Mark,
My life is very dull as I am dead cautious and never take risks. What do you recommend to spice things up a bit?
Mark says: Well it sounds to me that you need a bit of an adrenaline rush to kick start some excitement in your life. Try taking up an extreme sport, perhaps you should go snowboarding down some off limits / roped off ravines (you'll certainly know you're alive when you find you're plummeting to your potential death off a 100+ foot cliff into advancing rocks). If you survive that venture into the high avalanche risk areas and rip up some snow packs to see if you can play chicken with an avalanche and have the race of you life! You'll need perfect timing to escape death but wait until you can feel the cascading torrent of snow and ice biting the back of your neck before you ride off to safety at the side, you should have a good buzz on after that.
Dear Mark,
What's the best way to apply eyeliner?
Mark says: I get Rick to smear his gonads in mascara and give me a set of Arabian goggles. Around 2-3 minutes should provide you with a nice smokey eye shadow and an evenly spread colour.
Dear Mark,
Everyday after school megatron and the deceptcons try to corner me and make me join them, what should I do?
Ken Grand-Pierre, New York
Mark says: I for one don't believe your supposed account of events and I presume you're one of those god-awful Autobots or their pathetic sympathisers. My great leader Lord Megatron is far too busy plotting total conquest of the universe to waste his time trying to convert some loser bot or organic worm called Ken into our ranks. You are obviously suffering delusions of grandeur or hallucinating after eating your own stool. My advice to you is to learn ones place in the world and if you can't accept it, end your miserable existence or deal with it!
Dear Mark,
My mates are always bitching about each other and now there's loads of tension whenever we meet up. How can I get people to get on?
Mark says: Why are you surrounding yourself with whining little bitches in the first place? You only really have yourself to blame for that one... If that's the way they are they're probably not going to change no matter what you do. I suggest a mass culling of all your annoying friends. Start by deleting them from your Myface and Spazbook accounts and barring them from your phone so they can't contact you anymore. If they see you out at a club or a bar dismiss them quickly with a "sorry you must be mistaking me for someone-else" and then walk off aloofly. They will then all collectively drop their own tensions and feuds so they can bitch about you together in one happy little hate-clique. Ditching these emotional vampires and their psychodrama will make you better off and by uniting them you'll have kept them from befriending others and spreading their verbal pollution.
Dear Mark,
I was abducted by two aliens and nobody will believe me. I have intense graphic memories of being drugged on their space craft and of them experimenting around with different parts of my body. How can I convince people this really happened without sounding crazy?
Mark says: Well, well, what were you wearing? You know that if you dress like a slut you're gonna get taken advantage off, and just because it was 'aliens' makes no difference to the fact you were obviously asking for it. Have a good scrub down in the shower, a few hot extra strength lemsips and you'll feel a bit better. Many years ago a Jewish minx called Mary made up a story about an Angel and the Son of God to cover up a drunken threesome she had behind her husbands back. Your extraordinary story kinda resembles that and has an equal amount of denial inferred. But for the record I believe you... wink, wink.
Dear Mark,
How can I get over my fear of clowns?
B-side fan, Texas
Mark says: Clowns are obviously something you associate with a deeper fear and maybe they trigger a memory of a previous traumatic event more than likely from your childhood. Perhaps you once walked into a scene where a cruel family member deliberately scratched up, smashed or burnt your collection of Nada Surf 7"s, destroying your only high audio quality copy of your favourite song Pressure Free??? Maybe they did it with a halloween mask on to hide their identity from you? which leads us back to the clown fear... Hmmm, I suggest short, sharp, shock treatment. This is extremely mentally demanding but very effective and could completely cure you of the phobia. Try hiring a few of these 'funny men' and plan a trip with them to a local spa / health club. If you can bring yourself to do it try starting off with a minute or so in the sauna, by them removing their multi colored suits and boots you'll see them for what they really are, fat old men in wigs and make up, disguising themselves as entertainers enabling them to get close to children under such pseudo names as Mr Blinky or Koko. Their real names will more than likely be listed on some unsavoury government register. If one asks you to, "play with his little bald doll until he's sick" decline the offer immediately, it's really not what it seems. As the day progresses and your confidence increases make them take a swim with you in the pool, their wigs will float off as they splash around like demented hippos and as their make-up runs off revealing their ancient prune like faces you can refocus your energy to discovering the true identity of the real B-side massacrer, someone closer to home...
Dear Mark,
I've been prostituting my body for 8 years now and it's made me feel like a filthy overused object. I've been through some very rough times, particularly during my last rendezvous with a 58 year old transsexual Cuban drug lord. How can I give up this dirty way of life and move on to something clean and moral, especially when this is such good money? What do I do!?
Anon, London
Mark says: As I don't believe in any man-made religion and I don't think I believe in a God I can't possibly have any moral fibre or be in position to give moral guidance (according to the 'religious'). Therefore I couldn't possibly comment on your predicament. But if I were you I'd say "money talks and bullshit walks", do harder drugs to numb the pain and just get on with it. One mans waste is another mans treasure, dirty is only one perspective!
And until the next time, fuck redemption.
Next issue: Well...technically it's Dr Tim's turn, but he's a hard man to pin down...so we'll see....
Keep your problems coming anyway...e-mail